Regrets
by TextbookEnigmatic
Summary: Martha reflects on her time with the Doctor.


**(Doctor Who and all of it's characters belong of course, to the wonderful BBC)**

* * *

Martha looked once more over her shoulder. It was really gone. The blue box was gone. Her heart sank. She remembered the times when just the sight of it, landing right on her bedroom floor with that unearthly noise, would make the very same heart pound into her chest. When it would flutter uncontrollably at the thought of one more trip. The adventures she'd had, all she'd done... it was all worth it.

She started down the block he had left her on. It was hers, her house only a few hundred feet from where she was standing. It had only been a few minutes since he'd walked away, but it already felt like an eternity. For all she knew, by now he could be as far as an eternity! Martha sighed. He was gone, and she'd probably never see him again. The universe is a big place. And it wasn't as if he wanted to see her again anyway. All that time they traveled together, and she couldn't believe she'd been so foolish! Of course he would never feel the same way for her as she did for him. And how did she feel now?

Longing. Martha knew deep down that no matter what she would do anything for that man. Anything to hear him call her brilliant once more. Dear lord, she would follow him to the ends of the Earth (and with the TARDIS, it was anything but impossible). But this wasn't healthy. Spending day after day getting looked at but not really seen, and sometimes Martha needed to be seen. To be looked at. To be loved.

The Doctor always had a shadow in his eyes when he looked at Martha. As if he wasn't really seeing her. And deep down she knew he wasn't. There was someone else, there had always been someone else. It tore at Martha's insides to know that his feelings for that someone wouldn't just go away. He was a Time Lord, for goodness sakes. When you've lived for 900 plus years, one would think that it was perfectly acceptable to spend a few decades mourning over someone you'd lost. Martha didn't have a couple of decades. She'd sat around the TARDIS everyday just hoping. And for what. Of course he wasn't going to have a great revelation one day, suddenly sweeping her into his long arms and proclaiming his love! It was so nice in between those arms. Martha sighed. Thoughts like that surely weren't doing her any good. They hadn't before, and they certainly hadn't increased in relevance. If anything she should be focusing on what she was going to do now. Without the Doctor.

Martha stopped walking. She looked again at the spot where the TARDIS had disappeared. It was amazing how quickly she was beginning to regret this. "Stop this," she thought. "Stop this, this instant." Martha smiled in spite of herself. She was starting to sound like her mother, scolding herself like this. Her mind continued to wander back. It had been misery at times, it really had. She had done so much for him, but nothing ever seemed to be enough. She had spent a year traveling the world for him! It just wasn't enough.

The worst part was that she hadn't even been given a fair shot! It sounded terrible, but it was true. A fair chance to be someone he cared about. What if he had never met Rose? That young blond girl Martha had only heard about in whispers from Captain Jack when the Doctor was turned away. She felt guilty for disliking Rose as much as she did. These were bitter thoughts. To be fair to the girl, she really didn't know much about her at all. And the only things she had heard sounded bloody fantastic. How could you hate someone, and at the same time wish so desperately to be them?

If the Doctor had never met Rose things could have been different. Martha smirked. Who was she kidding? Things would have been different for the Doctor, perhaps but Martha's life always seemed to reduce to the same thing time and time again. Minding her studies. Looking after Tish, like a good sister should. Keeping peace between her mother and father. Day in, day out the same. But from the very first day she met the Doctor, everything had changed! There was change, traveling with the Doctor. There was _adventure. _It was something her family would never understand. Martha's eyes widened. Her family! She supposed that would be the first thing she would attend to. They had been through so much after all, it was only fair. Yes. She should take thoughts of the Doctor off her mind and go visit her family. She set off down the block once again.

"At least they love me," she thought.


End file.
